The Law or "THE" One who is The Law

The Law.....it's meant to 'protect', to 'serve', to 'enforce'...but it seems that is all based on the final perception of whoever is sitting in the seat of judgement on the date, time, and moment one ends up in the presence of the law.

Then there is The One who IS the law....He DOES 'protect', He DOES 'serve', He DOES 'enforce...but He also IS judgement, IS the presence, and IS the judge.

My mind and heart seem like they are mush.  I'm exhausted from stress, from the thoughts that swirl in my mind day in and day out.  From 5:30am this morning I've been on the go.  Shower, dress, making beds, serving breakfast, getting to work, moving offices at work, faced with decisions based on the interpretation of the law, hair appt, storytime, prayer time, quick phone calls and now I am here.

I have decisions before me that would not be needed if wisdom was in charge instead of chaos and confusion.  Wisdom and Compassion are a tough combination.  Wisdom says to be cautious, to see the warnings that are ahead and do all that one can to prevent anything worse.  Wisdom says to not speak when everything in me wants to scream.  Wisdom says to quiet my emotions so that I don't 'react' when I am only to 'act'.  Wisdom is my companion.  'She' is like a whisper at times.  She is like a thunder at others.  Today she is a whisper.  She is teaching me to trust her.  She is teaching me to rely on her.  I'm not sure how to do that, for I've been deceived.  Pride can very often present itself as wisdom.  There are a lot of characters that can dress like wisdom.  But I want the 'real thing'.

Mix that with Compassion and you have a beautiful combination.  There is a fine line though between the two.  Sometimes wisdom and compassion might be hurtful.  It might actually be compassion to use wisdom.  I know that might not make sense. 

I guess something to think about...I'm wiped out.  I have a long day again tomorrow.  More activities after school....and unpacking in a new office! 

Friday again...

Well, it is Friday again....the weekend is beginning, or a week is ending...however you choose to see it is up to you I suppose.  I'm sitting here, in the silence, hearing trains go by, seeing the beauty of the sun setting.  It's been a full week to say the least.

Since my last post a lot has happened...that's a good place to start!  My kids have dealt with the reality of what their 'father' is, what he has chosen and how it has affected them.  Yet, they still long for a 'dad', so they forgive way faster than I ever would.  That is hard for me. 

A child can forgive and move past things when adults cannot.  I know I can 'forgive' my ex for different things he has done, but to move past them, to spend time with him, to trust him, never!  I don't know how kids do it.  Of course, over time, as they are hurt by 'trusting' those things, they too will probably stop trusting over and over again.

So, it's the weekend.  I don't have too many plans.  I didn't expect my kids to go with their dad tonight.  It was technically his weekend, but with all that has happened this week, and what is staged to happen next week, I was shocked they went with him.  He came like normal and the little kids ran out to greet him.

My oldest is a little wiser, or jaded...not sure which.  She has been hurt one too many times I think.  So she will not go with him anymore.  She has made up her mind...and that is to end her connection with her father basically.  Maybe because she was around longer, she saw the issues from a young child on.  Either way, she is home now.  Which is fine, maybe her and I will just crash with a movie. 

It's just that I have a night...I want to go out!  I want to go to the city!  Or to a dinner with someone.  I don't prefer the 'quiet' times.  Too much space to think.  But, tonight just might end up one of those 'quiet' times.  At least we can relax a bit.  I'm not much in a mood to 'do' much around here, I'm emotionally and mentally drained after the week I had...so...movie it might be!

The Unknown....

What a few days....just as I wrote about emotions and how they can forsake you, I was hit with a small ocean of them.  Last night was a tough one.  I believe it was the first time that I lost it as I saw the 'hugeness' of this single mom role that I am now very engrained in.  I felt alone.  I felt abandoned.  I felt tired.  I felt frustrated.  I felt angry.  I felt sad.  I felt overwhelmed.  I felt defeated.  I felt braindead.  I felt exhausted. 

Bottom line...I felt.....

I'm not sure what will come of this.  I'm not sure if what caused the flood of emotion was because my heart was stirred and therefore a tiny piece of the covering that I seal so tightly to protect it as I push through each day, broke open in one spot allowing for these amazing emotions to come seeping out?  I know that today, right in the middle of a project at work, I was stirred again, and my heart ached, and my eyes were filled.  I've gotten good at replacing the seal on this covering over my heart.  I had exposed my heart for so long and to so many that eventually I learned it to be safer to cover it.  The wounds were too deep, too sore, too raw....and frankly, with the tasks I encounter daily, I have no time to deal with such emotion.

So, tonight, I have a moment of silence, before 11p!  My kids are making new memories with friends.  I have a large task ahead of me that still needs to be opened but it is early evening and I have a moment.  When I have a 'moment', I think.  I'm not sure that is a good thing or bad.  When I have time to think, I think 'back' and 'forward'.  Thinking back is sad and there are many pieces of this puzzle that do not seem to fit anymore, but they are still there, in the 'back'.  When I think to the 'forward', I am also filled with this overwhelming chaos of pieces that I can see, but are not 'carved' out yet.  What I mean by that, is that they have no shape.  They are merely 'blobs', I'm not sure how they will fit into this puzzle or what effect they may have on it. 

Tomorrow is a day that I have dreaded for a long time now.  It is a day that I never would have guessed would come.  it was a day that I heard others go through and I didn't understand.  It is a day that I wish I could sleep through.  I'm not sure how I will act, what I will say, how I walk into with the Father's heart and eyes, or if I will make it through at all.  It is ALL the unknown.  But...I know that tomorrow at this time, the day will be almost over...and hopefully I will have made it through and the Lord will be proud of me. 

My heart still yearns for real love.  My heart's cry every night as I lay my head down, is that I will meet the 'one' that I will someday lay my head upon.  Through all of this shit that I've endured...I still believe in real love.  I have to...if I don't, there is no hope.  Hope is enduring through the unknown, through the unseen.  Hope is what I cling to.

Wreckless Emotions

I haven't entered anything in here for a few days.....mainly because I have not known what words can best describe where I am right now.  I have been one who relied heavily on how something 'felt'.  I guess I wasn't that great at thinking all matters through, although I always seemed to follow my moral standards, I still would act based on emotion more often than just what I knew of something. 

Since being single, I've become very clear on what I want for my future.  What I want in terms of freedom, ability, vocation, memories....what I want as I look down the road ahead of me.  In doing that, I've been faced with the balance of what I 'feel' about something and what I 'know' about something.  I think that at some point during this venture, my emotions have sort of 'shut down' somehow.  I've had friends who have said they feel like they're emotionally shut down for a season and I never understood what they meant.  I even once heard 'do not trust your emotions for they will turn on you'.  Again, never really understood that.  Although as I moved and walked through my life, I did experience times where what I 'felt' about something, really betrayed me when the 'reality' of the situation came to play out in fullness. 

My emotions can become wreckless.

Tonight I had just a glimpse of that again.  I'm up against a brick wall right now.  I've been unsure exactly how to grasp my footing to climb over it, but I know that in the end, I have to be on the other side of it.  I've been so consumed with the necessities of daily life raising 3 kids, working fulltime, organizing and normal routine that my emotions have seemed to totally go into 'numb' mode.  Where I feel nothing, no real joy, no real pain, no real sorrow, no real excitement.  They are all just in this 'middle', grey area.  I hate this area.  I love emotions.  I love to feel joy, excitement, happiness, even sorrow and pain are ok in moderation.  I am the type that believes that a 'good cry' can and does exist and is essential to move past certain times in our lives.

Well, tonight I was faced with balancing what I 'feel' with what I 'know', and it was not easy.  My emotions tried to become wreckless.  They wanted to spin out of control.  I am glad that I did 'feel' something though, so that at least I know I am not broken!  But, I'm now struck with this question.....how do I move ahead and balance what I 'know' with how I 'feel', and furthermore, can the two co-exist?  I've never been hit with this mindset before and I am unsure what will come of it. 

I hope that it will bring me strength.  I hope that it will bring me to a wiser place.  I hope that it will bring me peace.   I hope that I learn.

48 hour break...yea right!

I'm perplexed...I'm sad...and yet I'm emotionless, which is probably the worst of all.  I can 'feel' or I should say I have all of these 'feelings', but no ability to relate with emotion?  I can't figure out why this is.  I suppose it could be my hormones, as my body has gone through some major changes lately, but I've never been emotionless.  If anyone is reading this and has ever experienced this, please write in and let me know!  I'm not used to this.  I am one who can have a 'good' cry and feel better!  I've even been questioned on what a 'good' cry is.  You know, a good cry is one where you cry really hard, everything that is built up comes out, like a flood....and when it is over, it is over.  You can tell.  Your body can tell.  You feel better.  But lately....I can't cry.  I can't even get too angry.  It's just as if I'm missing something in my brain that allows my body to show emotion....and it is very bothersome.
 
Anyway, that is just one of the things on the forefront of my  mind.  The reason it is there I suppose is due to the extreme stress I am under regarding my children and their father.  I could just spit sometimes he is so frustrating to deal with.  The main thing that I try to desperately to remember when dealing with him, is that it is like dealing directly with the enemy. 
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I am not a man hater by any stretch of the imagination!  In fact, just the opposite, I would like nothing more than to come home and fall into the arms of my real love, to feel him embrace me, comfort me, to know that I am safe in his arms, to know that he will protect me and have words of wisdom for me.  I am not a 'man-hater'!  But, my ex, the father of my children, has become very linked with the enemy and speaking with him, is the most confusing thing ever.  I'm not sure really how anyone can deal with him. 

Well, my kids were supposed to be gone all weekend.  This was my time, my 48 hours.  My moments to refresh, clean, run errands, watch a movie, see a friend...it was my time.  It started as normal.  No calls.  No texts.  Then Saturday began, and that is about as far as I ever get.  By noon, I heard from my oldest, begging me to come home.  I know she is dramatic and dealing with a lot, so I do my best to filter her emotions with reality.  I told her to make it through, to try to behave, to do her best to be happy.  But by 8p....things had escalate.  She was calling and very diligent in her tone that she will NEVER go back to her dad's again.  She is done.  She again reported that all he does is yells at them and swear at them, he even calls the older two names. 
This is not right.  How in the world does the state allow this!?  How come this isn't something that would make a child be taken from a parent?  Why does it have to escalate to physically being hurt!?  It is mere insanity to me. 
Again though, I did my best to encourage her to make it through.  Again reminding her to behave, to be pleasant, to obey her dad.  Yet as soon as I awoke this morning, I found 5 missed calls on my phone and 2 messages.  Things had not changed.  
I made the call that I hate to make, the one to find out what is going on.  It began today with my son telling me that his dad woke up in the night and walked over to him and said something that made no sense to my son.  His father was 'sleepwalking' again, which he has been known to do.  Then my girls...my youngest, the sweet thing, she just doesn't get it.  Her poor heart is desperate for a 'father', for a real one.  One that will pick him up in her arms and tell her how wonderful she is, wrap his arms around her to let her know she is safe, one who teaches her how a man should treat a woman, one who lets her know how precious she is to the God who made her.  Not one like she has.  And then my oldest got on the phone.  I heard about last night...and then had to speak to their dad, who only woke up once he heard them on the phone to me. 

I am not sure how to even express what happens whenever I have to speak with him, it is so complicated.  I am just worn.  I'm not sure how to fight against this 'something' that is driven by pure evil.  Even now though, as I write this, I hear the Lord say, 'your fight is not against flesh and blood but against principalities and things unseen'.  But how the hell do I fight that!?  I know that I shouldn't 'engage....but rather silence the enemy'.  I know this is the way I am to fight.  I know I am to rise up in my spirit and silence the enemy, for I have the One true thing living and breathing inside of me, the Spirit of the Lord.......................................but my flesh is weak.  My flesh wants to cry out, to scream out, to lash out, to kick and be vindicated.  My flesh wants justice.  My flesh wants someone else to come and fight this for me, to do the battle and send me a note when it is over.  My flesh doesn't listen well to my spirit. 

I don't know how a single mom fights this battle when she doesn't have the living God in her?  How does she fight when she is being beaten?  How does she fight when she is being threatened for her life, or worse, her childrens lives?  How does a mom fight when she doesn't have the support of her family?  I'm blessed.  I'm blessed beyond measure, I know that I am.  I am protected by the Lord.  I am protected by His arms and His favor.  My heart is so tender towards all of the 'single' parents, mom or dad.  The ones that are the 'sole' input, or the 'sole' impact on their kids.  The ones that are fighting against this 'enemy' with me.  We are in this together, whether we know each other or not.  There is a fight that is going on daily, every minute, every second, there is a fight going on against this enemy.  It is a fight that doesn't always just involve single parents even.  I hope that I am strengthened through this fight.  I hope that I am renewed because I am weak.  For when I am weak, He is strong.  I hope that I grow and am transformed.  My journey towards transformation started over a year ago.  It was my goal.  It was what I cried out to the Lord for.  It was what I longed for, and it was worth anything that it took.  I guess I should have known then, that is would be a battle!  Nothing worth gaining comes easy....so...I will wait.  I will wait on the Lord, for His strength and His joy to fill me up.

Evening of quiet...

Wow...what a difference a night makes!  My kids are off to spend time with their dad. 
I am now actually sitting in bed, watching a movie on TV, and know that I will get a good night's sleep!  Well the best I can have when my kids are not home.  It is odd because although it is nice to have the quiet, I miss them.  I like knowing they are all under my roof.  I'm sort of like a 'momma duck', I want to gather them all up, tuck them in, and know where they are at all times! 
So...tonight I get a reprieve.  I plan to take some time for 'me' this weekend.  It is a short 72 hours...my oldest usually texts me 2 hours after leaving, but she must have forgotten her cell phone so there has been nothing tonight!
It's late...I had a long day so I'm getting to bed...good night!

Totally Exhausted....and only day 3 of the new school year!

Holy cow!  It is 9:45pm...I only arrived back home from my day a mere two hours ago and my brain feels like mush!
It was a special celebration tonight so the kids and I went out for dinner with family members.  It was great fun and is always fun to bless someone else, especially when you've been so blessed by them!  I drove straight from work to dinner and after a full day of meetings, paperwork and reading articles with words that need to be looked up on google to understand, one's brain gets a little fried!  Of course dinner was consumed between supervising the endless trips up and down that the kids made to the buffet.  Even my littlest one figured out how to go 'grab' an item she wanted, which frankly was a HUGE relief, one less trip up!  We didn't arrive home until nearly 8pm.  All I wanted to do was change out of my work clothes!  Even though I don't get messy or sweaty at work, there is just something about sitting in the SAME clothes all day that makes me want to get my sweats on as soon as I conceivably can! 
Then it was packing the bags for the bi-weekly 'stow-away' that my kids do to their father.  We have joint custody, but I'm the primary custodian/resident parent.  What the hell does that mean!?  How does one get a say in how or what gets done, but then has no real necessity to take part in doing any of that!  It's like the other parent gets to be the 'supervisor' or 'boss' on the big job, they can delegate and say what they will or will not allow, but then make the 'workers' do all the grunt work.  That's the role my ex has basically.  Luckily we haven't had too many run-ins, however he does not participate as a 'father' should, in my opinion anyway :)  The kids only hear from him one or two times between their visits, although lately a bit more frequent for some reason?  He must want something!  He doesn't call at night after school to check on homework assignments, or come to play catch with my son getting him ready for his big game, or even call to see how the toddler make believe world is going.  There is something to be said when a parent can't say what their own child's favorite games are, favorite music, latest friends, newest books, or even their favorite color! 
Ok, I digress....
So...tonight after EASILY getting my little one to bed, THANK YOU GOD!!!  I quickly threw some things in a small bag for each child's change of clothes this weekend.  Of course, it's a constant reminder, do I have deoderant for the 10yr old, pj's for them all, underwear, socks, swimsuits, enough pants or shirts.  Did I pack enough warm clothes for them or did I only stick that long sleeve shirt in my son's bag and not in either of the girls?  How do I keep it all straight as I hurrily throw things in their bag.....and oh yes, don't forget we are now into football!  I must find the jersey, hopefully clean!  Ok, check.  Football pants, socks, check.  Now where is that cup?  Oh yes, washer....check.  Undershirt, check....and then get the special bag that already is stocked with the mouthguard and snacks just in case the little one needs something to occupy her time during the 2 hr game! 
In the midst of this, the 'dad' calls!  Right in the midst of this!  My oldest is needing help with homework still, my son is walking around aimlessly.  My youngest I've JUST closed the door to after saying our nighttime prayers.  The bags are barely packed and at the door...and he calls.  Doesn't he have a clue what is going on here?  Does he even know what the names of the kids new teachers are this year?  Does he know how long it will take to finish one math problem with a pre-pubescent, dramatic, ADHD child!?  Still he calls....not even considering these things I'm sure!  My mind begins then wondering, as I do my best to be short and  polite on the phone to him, verifying some of the details of the weekend, to which he curtly and non-specifically answers.  What is it he is doing?  Is he just home relaxing on the couch after work, playing on his computer, phoning his girlfriend?  Has he sat and ate dinner while watching his favorite show, without interruptions for potty breaks or to break up fights? 
Anyway....I got back to my 10 yr old and we began to work on 4th grade math, non of which I remember.  I wasn't the 'math' expert and do not hardly understand her equations as it is, let alone have the ability to explain them to her!  Then in the midst of the raindrops falling, I'm hit with the thought...it's garbage night!  I leave her to work alone and grab my umbrella and coat, as fall is settling in rather quickly this year.  I had to move things around in the garage to even get at the cans and then pulled them behind me down the shiny black driveway, with the sound of rain falling through the tree branches.  Ah, a moment of actual silence!  I'm relieved for a moment because I can breathe.  I was a little damp, but I had a moment where it was just me.  For me, there is something about nature that calms me.  I'm not sure what it is, but just being in the midst of it, without distraction, brings me peace rather quickly.
It took us another 45 minutes to get homework done tonight....and I'm hit with the realization that this MIGHT be my coming 9 months!  I'm not sure I can do that!  I just might have to be one of those mom's that ends up at the school board meetings upset at the amounts of homework that has been assigned!
Well, morning will come all too quickly...but luckily tonight, I can see a window to breathe again in 24 hours, when I'm hopefully sitting here in silence again tomorrow night, but this time knowing I can sleep without being disturbed!  Here's to another day, new lessons, and more adventures to add to a momma's journal!